


Partners

by alice_time



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dom Bill, Drug Use, Gen, Holden needs a hug, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Consensual Spanking, Platonic BDSM, Spanking, Spoilers for Season 1, Submissive Holden, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 16:31:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12751995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alice_time/pseuds/alice_time
Summary: Holden Ford has a secret. Bill knows, but it isn't until everything goes a bit sideways during the Speck interview that he thinks, maybe he ought to do something about it. IE, Holden is a sub, he's been hiding it and taking suspect pills to keep it hidden and he's losing control.*I may have binge-watched Mindhunter. And this happened.(One could assume this follows my usual kinder, fluffier BDSM verse, because it does.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Speck interview goes sideways. 
> 
> *ware - spanking - non-consensual.

Bill Tench had realized there was something not quite right with Holden Ford about five minutes after meeting him. Part of it was the kid’s absolute persistence in doing things the FBI was ideologically against. Part of it was how damn excited he got at the idea of meeting men like Ed Kemper. His insistence at meeting Manson.

Holden was definitely odd. But then, Holden was also brilliant.

He’d spent enough time in a car, in a hotel, on the road, with Holden, to know that. But he also knew one other thing about the kid. Something Holden was keeping close to his vest. Not that Bill could blame him for that. The rules for submissives in the FBI had improved, sure, but no one ever would have let him out in the field on his own. Then, maybe Shepherd knew. It’d explain a bit about why they’d transferred him to teach full-time in spite of his successful record in hostage-negotiations.

But Bill wasn’t going to ask Shepherd if he knew. If Shepherd didn’t know, he wasn’t going to out Holden that way. For all the kid’s…quirks, they were partners now. A bit unconventional, but partners none the less.

Honestly, he was surprised at how well Holden kept himself together. The stresses of travel, being away from his girlfriend, talking to killers. It was putting stress on Bill as it was, but Holden just seemed to pass through it all without even blinking.

It was the Speck interview though, that had started to send things downhill. Holden had been so damn excited to meet the guy. He’d made the autograph comment as a joke, but Holden hadn’t taken it that way. Not a red flag, as such, but perhaps an indication that Holden wasn’t capable of shedding the mask he wore with near constancy now. That nothing bothered him. And then in the interview… It had taken everything Bill had not to pull Holden out of there.

The thing with the tattoo made Bill’s skin crawl. Hearing that man call Holden _little boy_ turned his stomach. He wanted to shove the guy into a wall.

And then Holden went and said what he said. Started practically flirting with the guy. Fawning over him.

And that damn bird. But all Holden could talk about when they got out were the words. Not the emotional impact the encounter had on Holden. He’d warned him on the plane and Holden was all attitude.

But it was then, there, on that plane, that Bill finally cracked one small piece of the puzzle that was Holden Ford. Bill was across the aisle, eyes closed most of the way and Holden pulled out a little pill box. Bill had seen it a couple times before. Sitting in Holden’s bag. Resting on the vanity in a hotel. He’d just, assumed, that they were Advil or something.

But the pill Holden pulled out of the box wasn’t an Advil. It was a distinctive looking pill, orange in color, hexagonal in shape, a little X stamped into it.

_Shit._

Bill took a breath. That was something he was going to have to deal with. This whole damn incident…he had to deal with it.

***

“You got plans tonight?” Bill asked as they grabbed their bags.

“I was going to meet Debbie back at my place.” Holden glanced at him. “Why?”

“You and I need to have a talk.” Bill held up the pill box. He’d pickpocketed the kid as they’d gotten off the plane.

Holden went a bit pale. “Bill…I can explain.”

“I bet.” Bill put the box in his pocket and took Holden by the arm. “You’re cancelling your plans, understand?”

“I understand.”

“Good.”

***

Debbie wasn’t totally thrilled to have her boyfriend cancel on her, but there wasn’t anything Holden could do about that. Bill called his wife to let her know what was going on, and took Holden to his apartment. He sat him down on the couch, feeling a bit like he was about to interrogate a subject. Of course, it was a little bit like that. It was also a little like being called into the Unit Chief’s office or the principal’s office even.

Holden squirmed in his seat. Bill set the pill box on the coffee table and folded his arms over his chest.

“You want to tell me what the hell you think you’re doing taking those?” Bill nodded at the innocuous looking box.

Holden licked his lips. “I—I couldn’t risk anyone finding out my Dynamic.”

“So instead of finding someone to keep you steady, you’ve been taking that poison instead?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Your girlfriend know that? She’s a Domme, isn’t she?”

“Switch,” Holden clarified. “And no. She thinks I’m Neutral.”

Bill nodded. “Where are the rest of the pills?”

“I’m not telling you that.”

“Really? Because from my standpoint there are three things that are going to happen right now. One, as your superior and a Dom, it’s my duty to keep you safe, so I’m going to flush these pills down the toilet. All of them. Two, you will take two weeks of Dynamic Support leave in order to get balanced again. Three, you’re getting a spanking.”

Holden shrank a little into himself. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Well that’s too bad. Because it’s either accept my conditions, or I will be forced to tell Shepherd you’re submissive and then you’ll go through it all anyway and possibly lose your badge on top of it all.”

“You-you wouldn’t.”

“Yes, I would. Because you’re putting yourself in danger every time you go in one of those goddamn interviews. That bullshit with Speck today was totally out of line.”

“It got us what we needed.”

“I don’t even think you can see straight right now, Holden. You’ve been on these damn drugs for so long they’ve totally fucked up your ability to even know what’s out of line and what’s not.”

Holden blinked.

“Now, the only choices you have in this moment are whether you’re going to give me the rest of the pills before or after I spank you.”

Holden sat back, crossing his arms. “I refuse to accept this.”

“Okay, so you want me to call Shepherd?”

“No.” Holden shook his head.

“Then I suppose you’re giving me those pills.” Bill stared at him. “I’ll give you to the count of three.”

“ _Bill_.”

“One.”

“That’s really—”

“Two.”

“Can’t you be reasonable about this?”

“Three.” Bill stepped around the coffee table and pulled Holden to his feet. Bill sat down, keeping a tight grip on Holden’s wrist. He tugged the younger man over his lap with ease, and pulled Holden’s arm back and up, securing it as his waist.

Holden couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been spanked—outside of recreation—perhaps it was in high school. “This is fucking ridiculous!”

“We’ll just see about that, won’t we?” Bill was pretty sure that with the drugs in Holden’s system, he wouldn’t get the physiological response a submissive _should_ have to discipline, but he needed to show the kid he was serious. Damn serious. So he held tight and spanked. “Let’s just go over the reasons we’re here, eh?”

Holden squirmed. “Because you’re an asshole?”

“Because you’re putting your life in danger,” Bill replied. “You’re putting your career in danger.”

“Like you care.”

“I care.” Bill kept spanking, hoping to knock at least a little bit of the attitude out of the kid. “Or I’d have just told Shepherd and washed my hands of you.” Bill didn’t have a particularly methodical style when he spanked. The most important thing was, he’d found, to cover the area quickly to build an even hot flush to the skin. Make sure the sensation would last. That Holden would remember this come morning, and maybe even a bit into the day. “Didn’t I tell you that your attitude was going to bite you in the ass?”

Holden frowned. “I didn’t take that literally.”

“Maybe you ought to, because you and me? This? I have a feeling you’re gonna be in this position quite a bit.”

Holden grunted and made a greater effort to get away.

Bill shook his head, using his weight to keep Holden still and kept swatting. “You’re not getting away that easy.”

The kid growled, but couldn’t free himself. Bill was bigger than him, stronger than him and in this moment, pretty damn determined. And god, it hurt. Not like getting shot hurt. Getting spanked made him remember the feelings he’d shoved away with pharmaceuticals. Guilt. Shame. Fear.

Suddenly, Speck’s voice came crashing back onto him. _Little boy_. Had Speck seen through his presentation? Had he known Holden was a submissive? Or was he just posturing? The man sure as hell could posture. But the words had turned his stomach for all he’d put on a good show. And the memory of that was a crack in Holden’s armor. A crack that widened with every sharp _crack_ of Bill’s firm hand smacking into Holden’s ass. Firm. Hot. Unforgiving.

The pills were a veneer, but underneath that veneer, Holden knew he was still vulnerable. And he’d been spiraling.

He just didn’t expect anyone to care.

So Bill spanked, and the crack widened, and widened—and the veneer crumbled. Bill took note the moment Holden stopped fighting him. The moment he slumped over Bill’s lap, boneless, and a moment later he started to cry. Bill took a deep breath.

“Okay, kiddo, we’re almost done here.”

Bill propped his leg up on the coffee table, tilting Holden down and laying the last of his swats down on Holden’s sit spots.

Holden cried.

“That’s it, let it all out.”

“ _Sorry_ ,” Holden mumbled. “I’m sorry.” He took a breath. “Pills are in a bag, nightstand.”

“Okay.” Bill shifted the kid a bit and he whined. “I know. You’ve had a hard time, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Bill pat Holden’s back and let go of his wrist. “Come on now, let’s get you ready for bed.”

Teary and loose-limbed, Holden didn’t argue as Bill got him to his feet and helped strip out of his suit and down to his boxers and undershirt. Bill put him into bed and continued to sooth, rubbing Holden’s back gently.

“We’ll talk more in the morning, okay? Everything will be all right.”

Holden didn’t think Bill could promise that. But he was too tired to think straight. And Bill was using that _voice_. The soft, quiet, but still utterly Dominant tone he used sometimes with Holden, maybe without realizing he was doing it. Either way, it sent him right on down to sleep.

Bill sighed. He wasn’t really sure what to do about all of this. He’d laid out a plan for Holden, but he wasn’t sure what to do when it came to Dr. Carr and Shepherd. Telling Shepherd was possibly out of the question, which meant keeping it all inside the unit. Carr probably knew something was up already. She could read people damn well.

Once he was sure Holden was out for the night, he headed back to the living room and picked up the phone. He called Nancy first to give her an update. Calling Dr. Carr just seemed like…good sense.

“Wendy Carr.”

“It’s Bill, we need to talk about Holden.”

A sigh came over the line. “What did he do?” Her tone full of resignation.

Bill couldn’t blame her for that. Holden had been edging toward something for a while now. “Do you know?”

“Know?”

“ _Know_. You know. That he’s not Neutral.”

“Oh, yes. I know. Why? Did something happen?”

“You could say that. Look, I’m handling it, but we need to sort out how we’re gonna handle it.” Bill took a breath. “Could you come over?”

“Just give me the address.”

***

Bill gathered all the pills and cleaned up a bit. Not that the place was dirty, but there was a fine layer of dust on the counters. Holden wasn’t home very often. There was little evidence a submissive lived here. No kneeler pads. No sub bands. Holden had pretty much erased his Dynamic.

Not that Bill could blame him for that. But there were better ways to keep this a secret. Smarter ways.

The phone buzzed. Bill walked over and told the doorman to let Wendy up. Bill grabbed a bottle of wine and rinsed out a couple glasses. He timed it pretty well, opening the door just before she knocked.

“Wendy.”

“Bill.”

He handed her a glass of wine and they headed into the living room.

“So what happened?”

“The Speck interview went weird. Guy threw a bird into a fan. It was fucked up.” Bill shook his head and sipped at the wine. “It started normal enough. You know?” He sighed. “Holden was kind of—fawning. Speck calls him little boy, before I know it Holden’s saying—” Bill preferred not to repeat it. “You should listen to the tape.”

“All right.” Wendy nodded. “Let’s hear it.”

Bill took a deep drink and grabbed the tape recorder. “Mind you, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it. I talked to him—lectured really. Figured we’d sort it out when we got back.”

Wendy glanced up at him and played the tape.

Her eyebrows rose right when Bill expected them too, but she continued to listen until the end.

“I see your concern.”

“Holden’s been spiraling, but I didn’t know why. Until tonight.” He picked up the pill box and opened it, setting it down in front of her.

“Well, shit.” Wendy shook her head. “How long has he been taking these?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t get to that question. I got him to tell me where the rest of the pills were.” Bill finished his glass of wine. “He’s sleeping.”

“What did you do?”

“I spanked him.”

“Ah.” Dr. Carr sighed. “Did he cry?”

“Eventually. Which makes me think he’s been on these for either less or more time than I guessed at first.”

“Fair assessment. I’d guess longer. Their effectiveness becomes superficial at best the longer you use them. Better drugs are available now, but Holden would have to know some serious dealers to get a hold of those.” She shook her head. “It’ll take five days or so to wash out of his system, but he’ll be Drop-prone for some time. He’ll need a Dominant Guardian to keep him stable, full time. Live-in probably.”

“I’ll do it. I already spoke to my wife.”

“Okay.” Wendy nodded. “If you’re willing, I’m not going to argue with you. He’s a pain in the ass. I assume you want to keep the FBI out of this?”

“That’s right. Submissive rights have come a long way, but the FBI is still…”

“Behind the times? I know. All right. You keep Holden in line, I’ll keep this under my hat.”

“Thank you.”

“Well, if we can get Holden’s head out of his ass, he’ll be an asset we can’t afford to lose. Not that I’ll ever tell him that.”

“Because he’s kind of an asshole?”

“Yeah.” Wendy smiled. “I can get you a prescription for him. It’ll help with the withdrawal. You have a plan?”

“Two weeks of leave for me and Wonderboy.” Bill took the tape out of the machine. “And what about this?”

“You promise to sort him out?”

“I do.”

“Then we can lose the first three minutes. But if this happens again…”

“I know.” Bill nodded. But he’d also known, since the moment that damn Pinto crashed into them, that he wasn’t going to let anything happen to Holden. He remembered the panic then. That Holden was hurt. It was all instinct.

And those instincts were still at the forefront. He wasn’t going to let Holden destroy himself.

“What are you going to tell Shepherd to get the leave?”

“What I can. Closest thing to the truth. That this is getting to us. That we need a breather.” He poured himself more wine. “I read Holden’s file, you know? Before I asked him to do Road School with me. I knew there was something odd there. But it wasn’t until we started working together that I realized he was hiding something big.”

“When did you know?”

“It was little things. He got comfortable, I think. Duck his head when someone raised their voice. Grab his wrist when he was nervous, like he was used to twisting something there. Then there was the way he’d be in the room with some of these killers. Sick bastards are all Doms, you know? Some of ‘em just—they throw off dominance with expectation. He’d get twitchy, get mouthier around them.” Bill shrugged. “Don’t know if there was ever a precise moment. I just knew.”

Wendy nodded. “I noted some of the same things.” She stood. “Call me if you need help. I’ll call the prescription in. You can pick up at the corner pharmacy in the morning.”

“Thanks.” Bill walked her to the door. “It’s—I’m surprised you’re willing to keep this a secret.”

“We all have secrets.” Wendy couldn’t help thinking of the life she’d left behind in Boston. The woman she’d left behind. “I won’t condemn Holden for his.”

Bill nodded and watched her walk down the hall to the elevator feeling a bit better about it all. If nothing else, he’d see Holden got his head on straight. And if he was lucky, he’d save the kid’s career in the process.

***

Holden woke up feeling a bit odd. For one thing, he was sure that there was something he ought to remember, something important—and as he rolled over, he remembered with a wince.

“God damn.” He hissed and hopped out of bed. Standing didn’t help much, his ass hurt.

“Good morning,” Bill appeared in the doorway. “You want eggs?”

“Uh—sure.”

“Okay. Come on, we need to talk.”

Holden padded out into the kitchen. Bill set a plate of eggs with toast on the counter.

“Eat.”

Holden wasn’t going to argue with eating while standing.

“I spoke to Dr. Carr last night. She’s agreed to keep the tape between us.” Bill filled a glass with orange juice and set it down next to Holden’s plate. “Got you something too.” He snagged a white pharmacy bag from the counter next to the sink and upended it, letting the orange bottle fall out. “Dr. Carr prescribed these for you. They’ll help with the withdrawal.”

“You flushed my pills?”

“I did. Told you I would.”

Holden made a face. “Why?”

“Because I care. Drink your orange juice, take your medicine, and maybe I’ll let you watch some TV later.”

The look Holden gave him was pure brat.

Bill smiled. “I’ve got a meeting with Shepherd. You don’t need to come.”

“I don’t need to come, or you don’t want me to come?” Holden took a big bite out of his toast.

“You can take it how you want to.”

“I get to stay here by myself?” Holden raised his eyebrows.

“No. Dr. Carr’s going to stop by while I’m gone.”

“Right.” He finished his eggs and eyed the pill bottle.

“Go on.” Bill nodded at the bottle.

Holden remembered too well Bill holding him down over his lap, the strength there. If Bill wanted him to take the pills, he would make sure Holden took the pills. It was just…easier, not to push him on this. Holden twisted off the top and eyed the label, pouring a single white oval into his hand and taking it with a swig of orange juice.

“Good boy.”

Holden couldn’t quite suppress his shiver at the soft praise.

“I’m gonna wash up. Go sit on the couch, relax. Okay?”

“Okay.” Holden took his orange juice and headed over to the couch. He was trying to act like all of this was normal. Like his life wasn’t crashing down around his ears. Except there was Bill, trying to hold his life together. For what reason, Holden didn’t know. Except that maybe Bill did care. If he did, it’d be a first for anyone he worked with.

“Don’t worry, okay? Nothing much is gonna change here. You’ll be unsteady for a bit, but we’ll get you level again.” Bill followed him over to the couch. “You’ll go back to work. Figure out how these bastards work.”

“You—you want to keep working with me?” Holden blinked.

“Of course I do. I don’t care that you’re submissive, Holden. You’re good at what you do. You crossed a line with Speck. I know you don’t think so, but it’s not like your head has been on straight.”

Holden swallowed.

“The only change is that you’re gonna get what you need, which means answering to me when you fuck up.” Bill fixed him with a soft, but stern, stare. “There will be rules and you will follow those rules.”

“Or you’re going to spank me again?”

“That’s the gist of it.” Bill took a breath. “You ever live as a sub?”

“Highschool. A bit in college. But I wanted to be an agent. They didn’t even let women in the FBI when I joined, submissives?” He laughed, but it was hollow. “There was no way.”

“Okay. I understand that. So it’s been a while then.”

“You could say that.”

“So this is how it’s going to go. You have a serious attitude problem, so if I tell you to cut it out and you don’t, I start counting. I get to three and you get a spanking. As far as rules go. Rule one, no putting your life in danger—like for instance, by taking suspect pills or meeting with killers on your own, that’ll get you a spanking and a grounding. Two, you don’t lie to me. You lie to me and you can expect a mouth full of soap and a spanking. Three, you run all of your crazy ideas by me first. No more surprises, understand?”

“Yes.” Holden blinked. “Sir.”

“Good.” Bill put a hand on the back of Holden’s neck, squeezing gently. “I’m not a tyrant, I have no interest in micro-managing your life. I just want you safe.”

Holden swallowed. “Oh.” He blinked, tears beginning to drip down his cheeks. He wiped his hand across his face. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“It’s the withdrawal,” Bill said gently. “You might be a bit Drop-prone for a while.”

“I hate this.” Holden shook his head. “I hate feeling like this.”

Bill sighed and pulled Holden close, pressing the kid’s head to his shoulder. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

It was going to be hard, Bill had no doubt of that, but he’d get his partner through this. Whatever it took.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Holden spends quality time with Bill and Nancy. 
> 
>  
> 
> *Ware spanking

Bill felt strange leaving Holden alone so soon, but he needed to meet with Shepherd. He swung by his house first to change his shirt and check in with Nancy before heading into Quantico. He headed up to the seventh floor and walked past Shepherd’s secretary with a polite nod.

“Bill.” Shepherd glanced up at him. “So, what’s going on?”

“Holden needs a couple weeks of leave. Well, _we_ need a couple weeks of leave.” Bill sighed. “The interview with Speck was pretty intense. I think it finally got under the kid’s skin.”

Shepherd raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Really.” Bill shrugged. “And Nancy’s been asking me to spend more time with Brian. It just seems like good timing all around.”

“All right.” Shepherd leaned forward. “Are you planning to take more…responsibility, for Ford?”

Bill’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah.”

“Good. He needs somebody keeping an eye on him. His attitude’s been getting a bit out of hand.”

“Noted that myself, sir.”

“All right. I trust you to take care of him.” Shepherd nodded. “You have your leave.”

“Thank you, sir.”

***

Holden fidgeted. Dr. Carr was too calm for his current mood.

“Holden,” Dr. Carr said after watching him pace for a solid fifteen minutes. “Perhaps you should sit down.”

“I don’t want to sit down,” he snapped.

“I see.” Still calm, she stood up and walked over to him. “Do you feel clammy at all?”

“I don’t know.”

She put a hand on his wrist. He was a bit clammy, a bit sweaty. His pupils too wide. “You need to calm down.”

He bit his lip, shaking his head. “I need to move.”

“I think I have a firmer handle on this than you do right now.” Her grip on his wrist tightened and she turned him around, giving him a half dozen firm swats to the seat of his pants. “Now, let’s go sit down.”

Holden’s eyes went wide, but he couldn’t find his voice to argue with her. Wendy led him over to the couch and sat him down, taking the seat next to him and maintaining her grip on his wrist.

“If you don’t behave yourself, I’ll have to tell Bill when he gets back.”

Holden flushed.

“I’m quite certain you can be a good boy.” She rubbed her thumb along the inside of his wrist, a simple, soothing gesture. “Can’t you, Holden?”

“Um—yes, yes ma’am.”

“Good.” She treated him to a warm smile. “You just sit here and breathe. Bill is going to be back soon. You’re all right. You’re not alone.”

Holden breathed.

***

Bill arrived back at Holden’s place to discover the kid asleep on the couch and Wendy drinking a glass of wine in the kitchen.

“How was he?”

“A little bratty, I gave him a few swats and sat him down for a timeout. As I thought, he’s really edgy right now. You need to be firm with him. And he certainly should not be alone.”

“I figured. Shepherd okayed the time off.” Bill took a breath. “I think he knows. About Holden.”

“Oh?”

“If he’s not gonna bust the kid about it, I’m not gonna push it.”

“Good plan.” Wendy glanced over at Holden. “You know, he’s almost sweet when he’s not being an asshole.”

Bill snorted. “Yeah, I get that.”

“Well, you have it from here?”

“I do. Thanks for the help, doc.”

“Not at all.” She grabbed her bag. “Call me if you need help.”

“Thanks.” Bill saw her out and went back to Holden, shaking him gently.

“Mm. Bill?”

“Hey kid, you hungry? Let’s get lunch.”

“Uh-okay.” Holden sat up, running a hand over his shirt to smooth it down.

“Nancy got the guest room ready for you, by the way, and the leave was approved. You want to get your suitcase together? We’ll get lunch on the way to my place.”

“I-I’m staying with you? The whole time?”

“That’s right.” Bill prepared himself for attitude.

Holden frowned. “That seems unnecessary.”

“And?”

“And I don’t want to.”

“Too bad.” Bill propped one hand on his hip. “Because I’m not asking.”

“And I’m not going.” Holden was pouting.

“Do I need to count, Holden?”

A bright flush spread across Holden’s cheeks. “No.”

“Then get packed.” Bill pointed at Holden’s bedroom. Holden fussed with his sleeve cuffs. “ _One._ ”

“I’m going!” Holden didn’t stamp his foot or anything else that might have been perceived as childish, but it was a near thing. He turned and hurried into his room, putting his suitcase together.

Bill shook his head. This was sure to be an interesting couple of weeks.

***

Holden didn’t really feel like he _fit_ in the Tench household. He played with Brian, finding the quiet boy a bit of a kindred spirit. Nancy was nice enough, perfectly welcoming. Those first few days had been difficult as it was, still suffering withdrawal. Though he had to admit Dr. Carr’s prescription was helping.

Right in that moment though, all he could think about was that he’d thrown what was best described as a tantrum, and how Bill—with infinite patience—had swatted him and then put him in the corner to calm down.

Holden hated the corner.

Nancy had just shaken her head, sighed a little sigh, and set the egg timer for ten minutes.

Bill took a seat at the kitchen table and read the sports section.

Holden kicked the wall.

“No kicking, Holden.”

Holden froze before he could kick the wall again, and sighed.

Bill glanced at Nancy, who couldn’t help a little smile. He smiled back. This time off wasn’t just what Holden needed. Bill had needed it too. His son needed him to be home.

Finally, the egg timer went off and, sheepishly, Holden padded out of the corner and back to the kitchen table.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Bill said, reaching up and taking Holden’s wrist, squeezing gently. “You want to eat your lunch now?”

“Yes, sir.”

Bill nodded and released Holden’s wrist. The kid sat down, and Nancy brought over his plate.

“Here you are, sweetheart.” She smiled gently. “You want water or milk?”

“Water is fine, thank you.” Holden was having a hard time remembering what he’d been upset about in the first place. Then, that wasn’t a big surprise. His emotions were all over the place. At least when he was on the suppressants, he hadn’t had to deal with his emotions, for the most part. Of course, that wasn’t really a good thing. His current issues with Debbie were evidence enough of that.

Would she even want to be with him if she knew the truth? He hadn’t told her about the leave yet. Hadn’t told her any of it.

_I need to call Debbie._

But for the moment, he’d eat his lunch. Procrastination was his friend here. If he didn’t call her, it wouldn’t end.

But he’d little doubt that’s where this was heading. Call it instinct, whatever, but he thought it might’ve been over for a while now.

***

 _It just wasn’t their night_.

Holden woke up panting for breath, clutching his chest with one hand. His throat hurt, and he felt hot and cold all over.

Bill padded into the guest room, flipping on the light. “Holden?” He took only a moment to assess the situation before heading in. “Did you have a nightmare?” He grabbed a spare blanket and threw it around Holden’s shoulders, taking a seat on the bed and pulling his partner close. “It’s okay, it wasn’t real. You’re safe, okay?”

Holden nodded quietly, turning his head and burying his face in Bill’s chest. The tears started, and Holden couldn’t stop.

“It’s okay, kiddo. I’ve got you.” Bill rubbed Holden’s shoulder, whispering whatever soothing words he could come up with. Holden stopped shaking at least, relaxing into Bill’s embrace.

“Nightmare,” Holden whispered. “Speck—had a knife.”

“Okay.” Bill swallowed. “He’s in prison, buddy. He can’t get to you. He’s never going to get to you.”

Holden nodded.

“These guys we’re talking to, I won’t let any of them hurt you. Understand? I’ll put myself between you and them in a heartbeat. You’re my partner. Okay? That’s what partners do.”

“Didn’t even think you liked me.”

“You can be a pain in the ass,” Bill admitted, “but yeah kid, I do like you.”

“People usually don’t.”

“Maybe they would if you stopped acting like an asshole.”

Holden snorted. “Noted.”

“You want a glass of water before you go back to sleep?”

“Please.”

“Okay.” Bill gave Holden’s shoulder one last pat and stood. “Stay.”

Holden rolled his eyes. Bill’s casual teasing did make him feel better. Maybe this all wouldn’t be so bad after all.

***

Holden had changed his mind. This was the worst. Absolutely the _worst_. “I don’t see why I have to help you with yardwork,” Holden complained.

“I think this falls under building character and also, because I said so. Now put those leaves in the bag.”

Holden sighed and set his rake aside. “I’ve never understood the point of bagging leaves.”

“Cut it out with the attitude, Holden.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“That’s one, just so you know.”

Holden made a face and turned his attention to bagging the leaves before he could get into any more trouble.

***

Holden was relatively certain the trouble had started when he called Debbie and had only gotten worse when he drank the neck and shoulders off a bottle of scotch. That, and he’d sort of slipped out of Bill’s house without telling him where he was going. It wasn’t a rule, but he was pretty sure his partner wasn’t going to be happy with him.

“I’m cutting you off now,” the bartender said. “You got somebody that can pick you up?”

“Uh—yeah.” Holden picked his head off the bar. “Definitely. Not my girlfriend though. Because she dumped me.”

“Yeah, buddy, you told me already. Who am I calling?”

Holden fumbled with his wallet, tugging Bill’s card out. “Home number’s on the back.”

“Okay.” The bartender took the card. “Sit tight.”

Holden had never understood that expression. He nodded and let his head fall back onto the bar with a soft thud. He was in a haze when the bartender came back.

“You’re ride is on his way. He told me to get a cup of coffee into you.” Coffee was set next to Holden. “So drink that and we’ll see if we can’t get you a bit more sober before he gets here.”

Holden grunted, but he sat up again and leaned over the coffee, breathing in the scent. He sipped at it. Bill was gonna be so pissed. Holden had finished his coffee and been to the bathroom by the time Bill arrived.

Bill gave him one look and nodded toward the door. Holden sighed, but didn’t argue, slinking over to the door where Bill took hold of his arm and escorted him outside.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that if I drank enough scotch I might be able to forget that Debbie dumped me over the phone.” Holden glanced at Bill. “Didn’t work.”

“Usually doesn’t.” Bill sighed. “Still doesn’t excuse you running off, Holden.”

Holden swallowed.

“We get home, you’re drinking a glass of water, taking a shower, and going to bed. I’ll spank you in the morning.”

Well, there was his doom spelled out for him. Holden sighed. It’d suck more if he hadn’t brought it on himself.

***

Sober, and shockingly not hungover, Holden got up the next morning feeling a bit nauseous anyhow. He found Nancy in the kitchen making coffee, but there was no sign of Bill.

“Morning, sweetheart,” she said. “Bill just went to grab the paper.”

“Oh.” Holden raked a hand through his hair. “Right.” He glanced at Brian, who was sitting at the kitchen table building a house with his toast.

“You should wait for him in your bedroom. He probably left a note.”

“Oh.” Holden nodded and headed back to the guestroom, where there was indeed a note.

_Wait in the corner._

How specific. Holden sighed, but trudged over to the corner to wait for his fate. Clearly, he was going to spend the rest of his life in a corner waiting for Bill.

He heard the door open and close, but kept his attention on the peach walls.

“All right, Holden, come here.”

Holden peered over his shoulder, spotting Bill sitting on the bed. He sighed, but he couldn’t seem to muster any protest. Holden trudged over to Bill. The older man took his wrist and pulled him over his lap with an easy tug. Bill tugged Holden’s pajamas and briefs down in one swift motion.

“No,” Holden pleaded.

“ _Yes_. This is what happens to naughty boys who do foolish things.”

That word made Holden’s insides squirm. “ _Bill_ ,” he whined.

“If you don’t want to end up bare-assed over my lap, you should think before you do things. Now, I’m sorry that Debbie dumped you. Okay? But if you’d come to me and said, ‘Hey Bill, my girlfriend dumped me and I want to get drunk,’ I would have gone with you. But that’s not what you did.” Bill laid out the first swat.

Holden buried his face in his arms and tried to pretend this wasn’t happening.

“Instead, you snuck out, just like a _naughty_ boy.” Bill seemed to know the word made Holden uncomfortable. “Didn’t you?” He kept spanking, raising a pale pink color on Holden’s ass.

“Y-yes, sir.”

“And that’s not acceptable, is it?”

“No, sir,” Holden choked.

“No, it’s not.” Bill’s tone was even, the man projecting calm.

Holden almost wished he had it in him to muster an attitude, but he didn’t. Getting dumped. Getting drunk. That had taken a lot out of him. And he’d practically just woken up. No, all he could do was grab a pillow to cry into. This was not his finest moment. The spanking went on, and on, and Holden was convinced it was simply never going to end.

This was going to be his life, getting his ass lit on fire by Bill’s hard, _hard_ hand. He couldn’t even kick properly, with his legs getting tangled up in his briefs. His pajama pants were slipping though, with every kick they slid down his legs until he lost them all together.

Bill turned his fiery attention to the top of Holden’s thighs and sit-spots, swiftly bringing the heat there up to match the heat already raised on the meat of his ass.

It hurt. And Bill was…disappointed. Not angry, Holden didn’t think, but the disappointment was worse. He’d never been very good at being submissive, no matter what his Dynamic tests had worn out. He was always too mouthy. Too much work. Now Debbie was gone. Him telling her the truth about his Dynamic was just the final nail in the coffin of their failing relationship. Because he hadn’t trusted her to begin with, she’d said.

God, he’d fucked things up with her.

He fucked everything up.

“You’re not a fuck up,” Bill said. “An asshole sometimes, but not a fuck up.”

“Yes I am.”

“No, you’re not.” Bill laid out six hard swats to the tops of Holden’s thighs. “And you don’t talk about yourself that way. You understand me?”

“Yes,” Holden squeaked.

“Good.” Bill returned to spanking Holden’s ass. “You screwed up last night, yeah, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always screw up. So, you let it go, hear me?”

That was more than a little close to an _order_ , which Holden was in no place to ignore. A few swats later and he was crying his heart out and pleading apologies and promises that he would never, _ever_ do it again. Or talk bad about himself. Or do anything that was even remotely—naughty.

“I know,” Bill stopped spanking to rub some of the heat out of Holden’s ass. “I know, kid. I know. It’s all forgiven.” He moved his hand up, rubbing Holden’s back. “I know that was hard.” He tugged Holden’s briefs back up, smiling at the pajama bottoms the kid had kicked off. “You gonna be a good boy for me the rest of the day?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay, then Nancy has some chocolate chip pancakes waiting for you.” Bill helped Holden up onto his feet and then back into his pajama bottoms. “No need for you to get dressed today, okay? You’re gonna be in the house all day.”

“Okay.”

“Go wash your face, and I’ll see you at breakfast.” Bill could tell the moment Holden thought about _sitting_ to eat breakfast. “You can kneel at the coffee table if you want.”

“Thank you,” Holden mumbled, retreating to the bathroom.

Bill smiled. Holden might not think things were getting better, but Bill could see it. The kid was pushing more, sure, but pushing was a good sign. It meant he was starting to feel all those normal submissive instincts he’d been suppressing with those pills.

They’d get there. Eventually. Though Bill was going to have to work out a system for when they started interviewing these killers again. A code word or something, for when Holden was getting out of line. He couldn’t let those guys even suspect Holden was submissive. Something to Dr. Carr about when they got back to work.

And then the real work was gonna start. Handling Holden’s submissive needs while on leave was one thing, it was going to be a whole ‘nother ballgame doing it at work.

Bill was relatively certain he was up to the task.

He had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: The team gets back to work.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Covers the finale events.
> 
> Yeah, this is a lot of fluff. Holden needs hugs. 
> 
> *Ware spanking.

Holden finds himself grateful that he can only count the number of all-out spankings he receives during his two week leave on one hand. Of course, if he’d counted the stop and swats, he’d surpass two hands, but he was still calling that a win. Admittedly, he felt better than he had in ages. More in tune with himself. More…emotional, he supposed. More likely to think he before he spoke, certainly.

So he walked back into Quantico confident he could continue to project his usual Neutral front without anyone the wiser. After all, he’d always been _odd_. The descriptor others had applied to him. He made it down to the basement, eyeing Greg. He still wasn’t sure they could trust Greg. Wasn’t sure he liked that Shepherd had practically handpicked the man.

Dr. Carr spotted Holden the moment he walked in and crooked a finger at him, beckoning him into her office.

He headed inside, closing the door at her prompting. “Yes?”

“How are you?”

“I’m—better.” He shrugged. “Level.”

“Good.” She nodded. “This was your one ‘get out of jail free’ card, Holden. If you pull something like you did in Joliet again, official reprimands will be made. Am I clear?”

“Crystal clear.”

“Good. That said, there’s a case. Police in a town north of Atlanta sent it in. A twelve-year-old girl was found in the woods, raped and then murdered. They want help.”

“All right.”

Wendy pulled a folder from her desk and held it out to him. Holden took it.

“Those are the new terminologies we’re going to field test based on some of the information you gathered in Joliet and your spit-balling with Bill. Serial killer has a good ring to it. We’ll test it, see how it goes. Let me know if you have questions. Bill has the file on the murder for you when you’re ready to look at it.”

“All right.”

“And, Holden,” she called before he opened the door.

“Yes?”

“Remember to look Doms in the eye. You’re likely to be a little off for a bit while you readjust. But you have to look them in the eye. Every time. Keep your gaze soft, unchallenging, but don’t look away.”

Holden nodded and slipped out of her office.

Wendy sat back. Coaching Holden on his presentation hadn’t been something she was considering doing…but she couldn’t just let him out there as he was. She wouldn’t throw him to the wolves. If she could play straight when she had to, she’d teach him to play Neutral without chemical help.

After all, he was a part of her team.

***

_A few days later_

It wasn’t that Bill wasn’t proud of Holden for getting a confession out of the monster that killed that little girl. It wasn’t even that he had a problem with Holden’s techniques for getting them there. Holden had been on a roll, and he’d even discussed his mad-cap plan ahead of time with Bill, just like he was supposed to.

No, it was that _after_ all of it was said and done the kid went and got drunk, bragged to one of the uniforms and now the whole damn thing was in the newspaper. He called the kid into his office, closing the door behind them and dropping the newspaper into his lap.

“I think we need to talk about you and alcohol being a problem,” Bill started.

“Um…” Holden read through the article. “I said this in confidence.”

“Well your new friend certainly didn’t think so.” Bill shook his head. “This kind of thing doesn’t reflect well on our department. This stuff is still new, Holden. We can’t go shooting our mouths off.”

“It wasn’t on _purpose_.”

“Oh, I know that. But until I know I can trust you not to be stupid about it, you’re grounded from alcohol without supervision.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“You know, the walls are pretty thin, kid. You might want to keep your voice down.”

Holden frowned. “I’m not a teenager, Bill. I know my limits. This was just a—one off.”

“You’re not changing my mind, Holden. No drinking unless there’s a responsible Dom with you. Period.” Bill gave Holden a look. “You going to throw a tantrum?”

“ _No,_ ” Holden hissed.

“Good, because like I said, the walls are kind of thin and you don’t take a spanking quietly.”

The kid flushed.

“Go on now, get back to work.”

“Fine.” Holden turned and headed out of Bill’s office before he could say something he’d regret.

“Oh, and Dr. Carr is heading back to Georgia to talk to the DA, go with her!”

Holden waved in response.

***

Holden was in a mood after spending a couple days with Dr. Carr. He wasn’t sure what the point of their visit to the DA was. Georgia was a death penalty state, it was the DA’s prerogative to seek whatever consequences they saw fit for the crime they were prosecuting, there wasn’t anything the FBI could do about that. Holden didn’t even think he _wanted_ them to do anything about. That sick monster had butchered a twelve-year-old girl.

He didn’t deserve mercy, in Holden’s eyes. Bill even agreed with him, which was nice. Still, he was in a funk when he got back to Quantico after Georgia. Maybe it was the break-up still bothering him. Normally, he’d have gone over to Debbie’s after a trip like this. Talked about the case with her. Decompressed. He didn’t have that anymore. Sure, he knew he was probably supposed to tell Bill when he was feeling like this. Edgy. Uncertain.

But he didn’t want to look needy.

There was a message on Holden’s desk when he arrived at Quantico that morning.

 _Dr. Bruxton_  
Vacaville  
EMERGENCY  
PLEASE CALL ASAP

The soft pink paper seemed so innocuous in spite of its ominous message. He picked it up and looked at Greg. “Did you take this?”

Greg shook his head, turning his attention back to the phone call he was already on.

Holden frowned, and dialed. He went through a bit of back and forth until someone finally said, “Dr. Bruxton isn’t available right now.”

“I’m with the FBI, my name is Holden Ford.” He turned and sat on his desk. Anxiety churned in his stomach.

“Oh yes, he’s expecting your call.”

“Can you tell me what this is about?”

“Your listed as medical proxy to one of our patients.”

The bang of the main office door opening caught Holden’s attention, as Shepherd walked in, gave Holden an appraising look, and walked on by.

“I’m sorry, there must be some kind of a mistake.” Holden frowned. _Now what was going on?_

“I don’t think so. Edmund Kemper specifically named you as his proxy.”

Well. Holden couldn’t think anything beyond, _that is super fucked up._

“As of this morning he’s out of danger.”

“Danger?”

“Mr. Kemper tried to take his own life last night.”

Shepherd had gone back and nabbed Wendy and Bill, and was leading them out of the office toward the hall. Holden frowned. “That’s—that’s not possible.” The conversation went on for a bit, Holden making some effort to be polite until he hung up, hurrying to follow the others out into the hall.

“Richard Speck has filed a series of grievances against the unit.”

Holden blinked. “What?”

“He claims his life was put in danger. He was attacked, after your interview. The OPR will want to meet with everyone. You’ll give them whatever they need, understand?” Shepherd looked around at them.

“Well that’s utter bullshit,” Bill said. “The warden completely failed to follow the security protocols we put in place.”

“Just make sure the OPR knows that.”

“Of course,” Bill nodded.

“I want this settled quickly. With the newspaper article and this…I don’t want to get too much attention on this department. Understand?” Shepherd turned his attention to Holden.

“Yes, sir,” Holden replied.

“Good. They’ll be here in a couple days. Just tell the truth and you’ll be fine.”

Holden took a breath. The truth. Right.

Well that was sure as hell wasn’t happening.

***

Holden couldn’t have explained why, after he left work that day, he drove to the airport. Or why he bought a plane ticket to Sacramento. He couldn’t have explained why he went to the prison. Why he walked into the medical wing. Why he was there at all. He didn’t know.

There was this strange force beyond himself, driving him there like a moth drawn to a flame. It was stupid. It was dangerous.

And he didn’t care.

“You came,” Ed said.

“You made it hard not to.” Holden sighed. _What the hell am I doing here?_

They talked. They talked and Holden couldn’t have even said what they were talking about. Shop talk. Bullshit. But then Kemper stood, and Holden was horribly reminded of how damn _big_ the man was. He was there, crowding in on Holden’s space, Dominance coming in waves.

Holden could only stand there, frozen like a rabbit in front of a predator. There was a roar in his ears and he couldn’t make out what Kemper was saying. Asking. He stuttered out, “I don’t know.”

Kemper wrapped his arms around him, and Holden was still frozen. “Pretty little sub like you, shouldn’t be someplace like this alone.”

A jolt of adrenaline, bitter on his tongue, shook Holden out of the stiff daze and he pulled free of the giant madman and rushed out of the room and down the hall, heart pounding in his chest. There was a gaping hole where his stomach ought to be, sinking and pulling him toward darkness. He stumbled, fell, falling to the floor and scrambling to the wall.

He couldn’t breathe.

A nurse was there, asking him questions. He tried to answer.

“I’m going to die.”

“You’re not going to die,” she replied. “You’re in a hospital.”

All of that panic, clawing at his insides and he couldn’t breathe. He was falling. Dropping.

_Why the hell did I come here?_

***

Holden’s next conscience thought was _that feels nice_. Someone was running their fingers through his hair. He started a moment later, heart thumping.

“Hey, hey, it’s Bill, kid. It’s Bill.”

Holden took a shaking breath, turning toward the sound of Bill’s voice. “Oh.”

“Breathe, okay? Just breathe.” Bill put a hand on Holden’s back. “In and out. You’ve got this.”

Holden took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.

“Good boy.”

Holden blinked back tears. “I—how did you get here? How long was I out?”

“Ten hours. I just got in a couple hours ago.” Bill rubbed Holden’s back. “You want to tell me what happened? Why you came here?”

“I—I don’t know why I came. I got a call. Kemper tried to kill himself. He made me his medical proxy. So I got the call. I wasn’t—I didn’t mean to come here. I don’t know…”

“Okay,” Bill nodded. “And what happened? The nurse from Vacaville said you had a panic attack, and then you Dropped.”

“Does the Bureau know?”

Bill shook his head. “No. They know you collapsed. I’m keeping it quiet. So what happened?”

“I went into the ICU to see Kemper. I guess I thought if I saw him I’d figure out why I came in the first place?” Holden shrugged. “I was talking to him and then he was standing and…he was right in front of me.” Holden’s breath grew labored.

“Hey, keep taking those slow breaths.” Bill looked Holden in the eye. “In,” he demonstrated. “And out.”

Holden followed Bill’s lead, warming at Bill’s soft praise.

“Okay, Kemper stood up, and he was in your space, then what?” Bill kept that soft, firm tone.

“He-he hugged me. Whispered something in my ear. And then I freaked out. I pulled away and ran. Then I think I had the panic attack.” Holden swallowed. “Can I have some water?”

“Of course.” Bill grabbed a pitcher and cup from the nearby tray table, pouring water and handing Holden the cup. “Slowly.”

Holden nodded, sipping at the cold water.

“It’s going to be all right,” Bill reassured.

“How? I totally fucked up, Bill. Coming here was a mistake.” Holden blinked, looking around. “I’m not still in Vacaville, am I?”

“No. They had you moved to St. Agnes Memorial.” Bill took a breath. “Kid, it was pretty stupid to come here. You broke a rule too.”

 _Oh._ “Yeah.”

Bill nodded. “We’ll talk about that after you’re discharged though.” Bill moved his hand up to Holden’s neck, squeezing gently.

“Okay.”

“You won’t always feel like this,” Bill said after a moment. “Confused. I know you’re still trying to find your feet again. But you did good work in Georgia, Holden. This thing with Kemper. The thing with Speck? Bumps in the road. I’ll get you past those. Okay?”

Holden swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. “Okay.”

Bill moved, sitting up on the bed next to Holden and pulling the kid tight to his side before he started to cry. “I’ve got you, kiddo. I got you.”

***

Holden dreamed about the car crash. About travelling with Bill. About that dinner with Debbie and Bill’s house. Those little moments where Bill had been…more than a partner. When he’d looked at Holden and saw all of those things Holden wasn’t saying. Wasn’t projecting. The panic and fear and anxiety he’d buried under pills. Bill could see him.

He’d always seen him.

It was like…like having a parent.

Which was a little embarrassing.

But the dream turned, turned into a parade of every killer they’d ever talked to, mocking him. Threatening him with the worst of their repertoire.

Holden woke up screaming.

“It was just a dream,” Bill’s hands clamped down on his shoulders, warm and steady. “It was a nightmare, but you’re awake now. You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you.”

Holden did his best to calm down and breathe. Bill kept talking, and sat down on the bed, tugging Holden into his lap.

“It’s all right now.” Bill held him tightly, but loose enough that Holden knew he could slip away if he wanted to. Bill wouldn’t stop him. “You’re okay. It’s totally normal to have nightmares and aftershocks after a bad Drop.”

Holden nodded, trying to pretend he wasn’t crying. He was a damn faucet these days.

“I think you might need to spend some more time with me and Nancy,” Bill said softly. “You can still work, but you need a bit more structure, eh?”

If he could have argued, Holden would have. But all he could do was nod. “Yes, sir,” he mumbled.

“I know it sucks, not being totally independent like you’re used to, but we’ll get you back there. I promise.”

“ _Okay._ ”

“Okay. Back to sleep now, kiddo.” Bill sort of _rocked_ , Holden, until the sub fell back to sleep, head lolling on Bill’s shoulder. Bill smiled.

***

The hospital discharged Holden the next morning, and Bill took him to the hotel he’d booked. “We’ve got a flight back to Quantico in the afternoon,” Bill said. “Gives you and me time to have a chat.”

At the word _chat_ , Holden had to clamp down the urge to run.

“You want to tell me what rule you broke?” Bill asked mildly, leaning against the hotel room desk.

“Your first one? About…not putting myself in danger.”

“Bingo.” Bill grabbed the chair tucked under the desk, pulling it into the free space away from the beds and sat down. “Come here.”

Holden dropped his suit jacket on the bed nearest and sighed. “Do we have to?”

“You tell me.”

The guilt and confusion swirling in Holden’s stomach answered that question for him. “Yes, sir.”

“Okay, then come here.”

Holden moved slowly, crossing the short distance and stopping at the spot on the carpet Bill had pointed at.

“Pants.” Bill raised his eyebrow. “You can keep your boxers up for now, but the pants come down.”

Holden sighed, but he couldn’t raise an attitude at present. He unbuttoned his fly and shucked his pants down to his knees.

“Good boy.” Bill took Holden’s wrist and guided him over his lap. The position was a bit more awkward for Holden, which was intentional on Bill’s part. “Putting your life in danger will never be acceptable, Holden. You understand me?” He pulled Holden’s underwear down to meet his pants.

“Yes,” Holden whined.

“Good, let’s just make sure you remember for the next time, eh?” Bill secured Holden with an arm around his waist, adjusting his position a bit to give him the best target area to work with. He gave a little warning pat and then started spanking.

Holden gripped the legs of the chair, trying to keep his head up so the blood didn’t all rush there. It was a difficult endeavor what with the building heat Bill was laying on his ass. It seemed to be harder this time too, but he _had_ broken Bill’s first rule. He couldn’t exactly expect Bill to go easy on him. He certainly didn’t want Bill to go easy on him. He didn’t deserve that.

Self-recrimination was Holden’s specialty. Then, a submissive was always going to be far more skilled at wallowing in guilt and self-flagellation than any Dom could lay out punishment. But that wasn’t healthy. Holden knew it wasn’t healthy. He knew he’d feel better when Bill was done with him—he just hated the process.

Hated the thwack and sting and heat. Hated how it made him kick and cry. But he didn’t hate how it seemed to burn away that churn of guilt and confusion only just contained by his skin. He didn’t hate the reminder that he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t need to handle the anxiety and the fear alone. Bill was there. Nancy was there.

He wasn’t alone now, and those steady hard swats were a pressing reminder of that fact.

“What did you do wrong?” Bill asked softly.

“I-I went to meet Kemper alone.”

“And what _should_ you have done?”

“Talked to you!”

“That’s right.” Bill nodded. “So the next time you feel weird, you feel like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, what are you going to do?”

“I’ll come to you,” Holden sobbed. “I promise.”

“Good boy.” Bill smiled. “We’re almost done, kiddo.” He propped his leg up on the lower rung of the chair, tilting Holden down so Bill could lay his final dozen swats to Holden’s sit spots. The plane ride home was sure to be uncomfortable.

The sudden sharpness, tipped Holden right over the edge, untwisting that last knot of guilt in his stomach. “I’m sorry,” Holden blurted out. “I’m so sorry. So sorry.”

“I know, kiddo, we’re all done. You did such a good job.” Bill rubbed Holden’s back. “Such a good boy. All’s forgiven now. You’re going to be my good boy now, aren’t you?”

“Yes, sir.”

Bill pulled Holden’s underwear back up and wrestled him up into a seated position in Bill’s lap, pressing Holden’s head to his shoulder and continuing to rub his back. “There we go, it’s all right. I’ve got you.” Bill took a deep breath. “I’ve got you, son.”

Holden closed his eyes. He always forgot how calm he felt in these moments. How the world righted itself. No matter how fucked up things got, Bill was there to put Holden back on his feet. He didn’t know how he could ever repay him for that. Except…except maybe he could keep trying. Keep trying to not be an asshole. Keep trying to open up. Be a better agent. Be a better man.

There was a whole lot of interviews ahead of them. More cases. More pain and confusion. But Holden could count on Bill being there. Picking up the pieces that Holden had made of himself. And Holden would be there too. Helping Bill hold his life together too. After all, that’s what partners were for.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I'm not ruling out a revisit when Season 2 comes out, this is all I got at the moment, and it's good place to end it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and commenting! I know the fandom is in baby stages yet, so it's nice to see it's pretty active.


End file.
